Brian's regrets for the year 2008

1. Having ever studied political science and all the other forward-thinking classes at the UW, that allow me the inclusion to the notion that Barack Obama is not the savior of the world I have been looking for; but just another moderate politician. And, while he sure looks progressive compared with his predecessor, the important fact here is that only moderate politicians get elected to office in the US. I guess I will have to wait for that real revolution, although—at least for four years—I wont have to worry about my president anymore.

2. For thinking that I had found my dream job with Dr. Dan's Biodiesel. I should have known when I found that the company was dramatically in debt, being sued by another company, and unable to compete with the rest of the bio-diesel dealers in Washington. Moreover, I should have really known when Dr. Dan himself started showing signs that he was going to be hard to work with/for. I won't say any more here but, I had the skills, drive, and knowhow to help this guy to—at least—not have to worry about some of his business issues, or even fix them in some cases, and yet still he made the daily decision to be a fucking asshole. Good luck with the future Diesel Dan!!!

3. Not having tried out for bands. Not having formed my own band. Not having made more of my own music. Not having pushed more people to make music with me. I have been out of work for almost three months and I have had all this free time and still I have only written lame acoustic guitar shit. This is not music—it's for open mic's—and pretending to have issues that only I suffer from. I don't have any issues other than the fact that I can't find a job and am not in a rock band; using electrified instruments, being loud, jamming for no other reason other than its fun, endlessly thinking up lame band names, and making fun of acoustic singer song writers.

4. Watching too much TV. It started with Jeopardy; I had no problem liking a quiz show. And, then I found that I liked that damn Terminator show with the girl from Firefly. Then I found that Heroes was pretty damn good as well. Oh, yeah and that show with Christian Slater where his brain switches between family man and hit-man; that one is also alright. Who can I thank for this new time/brain sucking pastime. Well Netflix for being fucking slow and Hollywood video for having late fees, and raising their rental prices past five dollars, and for being owned my Mormons who don't deserve any of my damn money. Oh well, in February our antenna won't work and we don't have one of those damn digital boxes, and I will have a job so I can go out again instead of wasting time in front of the damn stupid box, smoking from the dumb pipe—wait Lost is coming back isn't it, time to get out the trusty dumb pipe!!!

5. Not pursuing any of my invention ideas. Seriously I think a guitar pick dispensing PEZ container with rock star caricature is money if I have ever heard the sound of money flowing in (whoosh)! Oh yeah, and the reflexology shoe inserts with different functions for each one is also gold. People will pay through their asses for happiness, and well being, and detoxification, and whatever other feeling I can create in a textured shoe insert. In case you don't know the foot is the gateway for communication with the body, seriously a foot massage is way more rewarding than a back massage. My other invention is a cell phone signal blocking device that can be placed in schools and businesses to block kids and their less mature adult counterparts from completely using their cell phones while in class, waiting in line at the post office, ordering coffee, and any other situation that could apply. Don't steal these people!

6. I regret not writing more. Seriously I have been complaining how journalism is dead and my degree is pretty much useless, but when it comes down to it—not doing a thing about it. It's not Journalism that's dead; more aptly its the daily newspapers, some forms of journalistic writing (see: music), and journalists being the watchdogs over government that appear to be losing ground. I can write and love doing it and know that the the money in writing is on the web; or better yet with personal web sites aimed at a certain subset of society. All I need is an idea (Ballard Living, Green Ideas, Everyday Activism), some well written content, and the ability to market myself, and I will make money. Advertisers are out there, and just waiting to be tapped.

7. Not having brewed my own beer. Fellow beer lovers, we should all be doing this, and the incentive not only lies in letting other people try out your home brewed goodness, but also in the notion that everyone I have ever talked to that brews their own beer has relayed that the people sampling their home brews say it's better than a lot of the micros out there. Fuck I could be drinking Brian's Chocolate Starfish Brown, or BK's Intercourse IPA, and my personal favorite: That Time of the Month Red. Seriously they would all be delicious and I could design my own labels; design ideas for the above three already come to mind: Think of a Starbucks like logo with the spread-eagle mermaid, yet sick, twisted, nasty, and comical.

8. This is the year when I could have started the novel I have been thinking about for almost four years. I have this constant narrative running through my brain and everything and everyone I come into contact with is morphing that narrative into a more cohesive idea to put into said novel. One of these days—hopefully soon—I will sit down at this very screen and start writing and not stop until the idea is seen through to its fullest (OK I will get up to poop and eat and then poop again). You should be excited about this notion as well because you all are in it; your names might not be the same but its unmistakably you, or even a bunch of you put into one, and since I care about and respect you all, you will be represented in a honorable fashion. To this I swear!

9. I regret that this list is not as funny as prior years list. In the past when I have compiled these things they are filled with humorous social commentary and funny rantings and ravings about my observations; albeit, this years list has a sense of foreboding to it that—while I am not totally comfortable with—I can honestly say it's just the way it came out. So for that, anyone that wasted the time to read past the first three entries of this list, I am truly sorry. My life has been one of uncertainty lately. Next year at this time I could be in Fort Collins, Colorado, or I could be in Portland, or even right her in the first city I loved: Ballard, with my dream job.

10. I turned thirty years old this year. I went on a month-long road trip with someone I love. I did the best job I could to comfort a family member that was sick and in need. I listened to more albums of music than probably anyone I know; and found a way to monetarily support the bands that I thought good. I checked off a lot of stuff from that big list that we all have of “things to do.” I got in better control of my drinking and my drinking habits. I completed several really great landscaping projects for people and have the pictures to prove it. I got really creative in the kitchen, perfected all my old stand-by meals, and in turn ate better than I ever had. I exercised a lot and felt good about it. I told someone something that I had been meaning to tell them along time ago. I didn't take any shit from anybody and sent them my pity for failing at life (M,B,S,A). I don't regret any of these things actually, and realize that I could have gone on forever with this number as a lot of good happened this year; but that would have been annoying and I'm sure that you would rather be reading about the Palin family baby born out of wedlock, or Jeremy Piven's mercury poisoning, or whatever else TMZ thinks is news!

Brian's top albums of 2008. . .

Love as laughter - Holy. This album is really good. I don't know it took me a while to like it, and now I put it on without even thinking about it. I know the CD art and just spot it and put it in without even realizing it. Thanks Isaac for finding this band and pushing them into the Sub Pop family.

David Byrne and Brian Eno - Everything that happens will happen today. Ok, the first time these two collaborated it wasn't anything special, but now with "Everything" they seem to have found a sound that really makes sense at the time when it was made. Note to other bands try and do this, and you will be famous, or at least be noticed as that's all that really matters nowadays.

Valient Thorr - Immortalizer. This band is more rock than any band out there today. They are sweaty, denim clad, bearded, head banging rockers that will give you their kidney's if you need it. Well not really, but their lead singer Valient Himself did document his kidney removal for his own father in their—really solid music dvd—In Heat.

Titus Andronicus - Airing of Grievances. This band came out of nowhere and for some people they never came out at all. Their debut album is so visceral one might mistake it for a really good live album. The album has its highs and lows, but as a whole it is still better mix of musicianship and feeling than any album that came out this year; remember the name it will give you points.

Fucked Up - The chemistry of common life. I hate hardcore music. I hate that you have to sing in certain way to be categorized as hardcore. Point of fact, I hate tag lines for music in general; and its for that reason that I loved Fucked Up's latest. This album is not hardcore, but the lead singer sings like it is. In all the reviews I read for this album "reviewers" had problems categorizing it and that means that the band was able to accomplish something that hardly any band this year did, it made the listener think about what kind of music this exactly is. My answer: just music.

Kay Kay and his Weathered Underground - Self. Every time I get sick of local music, some band comes along and reminds me that there is a good band for all the bad ones (see: Throw Me The Statue, Jaguar Love, Grand Archives). Kay Kay features the former lead man from Gatsby's American Dream with a large supporting cast including members of the Lashes and the live band for the Blue Scholars. What they sound like is for you to determine, but should you—yes!

New Albums by Kings Of Leon, Cold War Kids, The Hold Steady, My Morning Jacket, and TV On The Radio: These bands were just buzz bands a year ago and now they are the mainstay acts to see as headliners, and sure bets for albums of the year. One look at www.metacritic.com shows just how many top ten lists these bands made with their latest releases.

Colour Revolt - Plunder Beg and Curse. This is the best band you have never heard of. Plain and simple, post-punk is a used up genre but these Mississippians do it right, and how they do it seems to be all their own. For evidence of this go over to www.daytrotter.com and search the bands name. They have a terrific sensibility for melody and timing and with those elements they excel.

Conor Oberst and The Mystic Valley Band - Conor Oberst. When you go on a road trip like I did at the end of the summer of 2008, its always good to have good road music. And, there was no better road music than the first "real" solo record from the Bright Eyes front man. This album just breathes freedom with lines such as, "when I get to moab and get my canteen filled, there's nothing that the road cannot heal."

Wolf Parade - At Mt. Zoomer. This album is a little too good; I mean not really, but seriously the players on this record know how to make music. Then I saw them live and they were young, not just out of high school, young but pretty young, and it made me wonder if hipsters had found a way to sell their souls to the devil for – all to tight – pants, and a musical style that shows a knowledge of music past ones own age and ability to absorb mass amounts of quality music.

Honorable Mentions: Oasis – Dig out your soul, Blitzen Trapper – Furr, Stephen Malkamus – Real emotional Trash, Toadies – No Deliverance, The Roots – Rising Down, The Verve – Forth, Raconteurs – Consolers of the Lonely, The Little Ones – Morning Tide, The Cops – Free Electricity, Spiritualized – Songs in A & E, Shim – Feel like a king, Scott Weiland – Happy in Golashes, The Night Watchmen – The fabled city, Mars Volta – Bedlam in Goliath, Los Campesinos – We are beautiful we are doomed, Brian Wilson – That lucky old sun, Elbow – That seldom seen kid, Common Market – Tobacco road, Annuals – Such Fun, Eagles of Death Metal – Heart On, Foals – Antidote, Jay Retard – Matador singles, The Knux – Remind me in three days, and just for Axl—Guns and Roses – Chinese Democracy.

We live in America, not . . .

Amurkin. Yep that's how John McCain prounounces it, and Bush, and a whole lot of other old people> Well, old people should know that a "murkin" is a vaginal whig that came about around the turn of the 19th century to combat against crabs and other kinds of nasty venereal diseases that like to use pubic hair as a nifty little environment for a whole lot of itching and uncomfortable-ness. So, yeah do we live in a Amurkin; I hope not, for one, I would sure hate to live by a stinking cum dumpster for sailors. Do we live in America; yeah technically - we live in North America, but in addition there is a Central America, and South America. So next time someone asks you where you live (yeah I know it never happens) tell them you live in North America and guage the reaction you get, most poeple don't get it. We live in the United States of America, or North America to be more general, or Hell if John McCain and his pussy whig come to the oval office.

Sarah Palin? Who is this woman. . .

Seriously, who the fuck is Sarah Palin? Surely she's not the political celebrity that Hillary Clinton is; so why is it that the media is covering her selection as John McCain's VP like Tibet was just given its freedom from the "don't spit in public during the olympics" red capitalist menace that is China. And, also why is the media pretending that somehow white democratic women are moving away from the Obama/Biden ticket to go vote for the new McCain/Palin ticket because the addition of Palin is what they've been waiting for. If any democrats have declared thier allegence to the Republican ticket because of the addition of Palin then surely they weren't democrats in the first place. Palin is a strict conservative with leanings toward facism. First she has hardly no history of public service in a populace state, and no the PTA does not count. She also doesn't support choice of abortion, even when rape or incest is concerned. And, she thinks that global warming is not man made and shouldn't be made an issue in politics (See: drill, drill, drill). Her selection as governor of Alaska was a stunt by the corporate powers that be up in Alaska because they needed a - good looking, appealing, maleable - puppet in the top seat to control and influence; not to unlike what McCain's camp is using her for. Also this will come out later, but when the topic of international relations comes up, it will be revealed that Palin has hardly been out of Alaska and only in 2007 got her passport but as of now it is unclear if she's ever been out of the country. Compared with the workhorse--highly traveled and foreign pollitically experienced--Biden there is no comparison. Yet, it would appear that the media is lowering the bar of comparisons to things such as which candidate knows how to field dress a moose, be succesful at ice fishing, or drive a snowmobile. Alaskan politics has always been just that--Alaskan politics--and if Palin is taken seriously as a candidate for Vice President of the United States then maybe we should start electing politicians to office from other US territories like Guam, American Samoa, and the Virgin Islands; throw them right into office in the lower 48 and expect them to know what Americans in those states expect and need. I guess its a good thing that the VP spot has little to no power that comes with the job (See: Cheney's exception), and that this writer is pretty sure that when debates start happening Palin will stop being the silent candidate with that "wholesome" story, and start showing American voters where she really stands--and for that matter has never set foot. Until then McCain will keep telling the story about how he was tortured during the Veitnam war. Palin will keep telling that "holes in it" story about her vanquishing corruption in Alaska, and Obama and Biden will continue to play it straight until thier flawed opponents reveal thier true selves as puppets for corporate money, the GOP, the neo-cons and whomever else is scared of a changing US. Keep watching and keep testing your candidates, news sources, pundits, family, friends, and piers just to make sure they are all paying attention and not just repeating the same PR release that dribbles down from the most corrupt faucets in the country; and yes even Alaska.

This is something I know . . .

THE WORLD WILL BE DIFFERENT FOUR YEARS FROM NOW! This is one thing I know; what I don't know is which way the pendulum will swing. If things go the way I want them too, Barack Obama will be our president and things will move more to the left then they have in the history of our country. Things we have to look forward to include: Health care for everyone, a better standing in a greatly degraded worldview, a transparent - accountable governing body that fears the poeple - not people that fear thier government; and in general a change from the nightmare that has been the last eight years. Things we have to fear: John McCain! And, as we watch the upcoming presidential race from our computer screens and televisions, a little bit of action from all of us who care could not hurt a bit. I know most of you live in Washington - a state that will surely "go Obama" - but maybe its time that we do more to influence the people, counties, and states that wont "go Obama." This might be the last real chance to turn the history of our country. I can not express enough how things will go from bad to worse if we elect another "war mongering conservative" to the White House. The USA will continue to be a target by global radicals and "terrorists," Canadians who travel will still feel it important to put thier flag on thier backpacks so as not to be confused with Americans, and we will not take the torch and become a leader in the upcoming "green revolution." This is our destiny and if you can't see it, your not paying attention - to both history, and the future - becuase this is the only direction the world can go right now. So as we stare at TV screens, with laptops on our laps, checking cellphones for text messages; WAKE UP! We have become dissconnected from the rest of humanity and our reality in in this consumer society is that of prisoners with manufactured higs and lows that dependant on silly things like, gas prices, stimulus checks, digital TV conversions, home prices, technology trends, student loans, and an endless list of other things that should not be influencing happiness. Look to your families, loved ones, and the rest of the rewarding human connections that should be the only source of happiness. I beg you, all of you, anyone that will listen, anyone that has read this far to not let John McCain be elected in November; I swear on everything I know and hold sacred that this is a turning point for the United States and the world; and if we don't take this seriously now, we might not have another chance!

Hey, the new GTA is out, Yeah!

I'm so excited - in this revamp of the game there is a whole bunch of added features: Like when you get herpes, crabs, or genital warts from a street vixen then later try to pee, the screen flashes red and the rumble feature of the controller starts up so that you know the pain your sexually foolish charachter is going through. Also there is a new drug feature that simulates drug addiction; its like a side game that starts up when your substance challenged charachter takes either heroin, coke, or meth. It goes like this, one hit and a new bunch of missions concerning aquiring drugs and convincing your friends and family that you don't have a problem pop up; only to find yourself in a cheap hotel with a crabs infected hooker pumping your main arterials full of that good ol black tar. I hear one of the bonus levels is a rehab level where you beat up other junkies while wearing a hospital smock. And, the best part of the new Grand Theft Auto is the credit card feature where you get a credit line to "pimp yo ride" and then spend the rest of the game trying to make payments and escaping the dreaded "debtors." They are kinda like the dementors from the Harry Potter mythology but with briefcases that they open and suck away all of your savings; it is intense! Get a life kids - don't you remember how cool the nintendo games were - like Zelda, and Metroid, and Mario even. Can't we go back to the way it was!

Brian's annual FU awards!

1. Auto manufacturer's for changing the horn from a drivers only way of communication, to a way to determine if your car is locked remotely upon exiting , or to see if the alarm is engaged. Do you know how many fucking times a day poeple think they are being honked at when thier really not. Talk about desensitization to the car horn, I hope this makes the horn as useless as the turn signal!

2. Japan for promoting the plunder of the worlds ocean--still--after most countries have stopped whaling, stopped overfishing (well sort of), and generally decided that it is hard to guage sustainable fishing in the ocean, but at least having decided that sustainablity is a good thing.

3. China for surpassing the US as leader of carbon emissions almost twenty years earlier than expected. Also for completely ravaging thier own country of its natural resources, as well as completely toxifying it, and wiping out the majority of its natural species. Good work communists - uh, I mean capitalists; hey what the fuck is China anyways other than on a bad path.

4. China, again, for cutting corners in production by putting a type of PLASTIC as a substitute for PROTEIN in pet foods, for putting a toxic compound in one of its toothpastes, for putting lead paint on childrens toys, and for generally telling thier consumers that they want to keep thier buisness in the future with these decisions.

5. To silly east coast poeple for coming to Seattle all chopped full of attitude and then claiming that its the Seattleites who have the problem. Scenario: Friday night - Whale Bones at the Chop Suey - random large females gives googley eyes to a group guys, and when they don't reciprocate comes over and tells us that all Seattleites are rude and that we have made her trip to the west coast a horrible one. See now I'm on a roll: Actually bitch! you want reciprocation try fucking talking to us, buy the one you have your eyes on a drink - or at least offer to; don't pre-judge us based on what obviously is another stereotype you brought with you and then created without even trying to prove differntly.

6. Ballard for proving that it is no better than Freemont in allowing its quaint little community to be turned into a yuppified, gentrified, glorified destination point for poeple who will pay 300 thousand to live in a pint-sized condo, in turn driving housing costs up, in turn driving rental costs up, inturn driving property taxes up, in turn causing local properites to be shut down (bye-bye Sunset Bowl) and turned into fucking King's Hardware (what does that name mean anyways) where frat boy crowds congregate and fight over meat market bitches who own cars that when they park them and get out they press a button and thier car horn honks.

7. To these same yuppie; condo buyin, nice car drivin, stupid significant other ridin - idiots for inflating the economy by going into dept litterally hundreds of thousand of dollars living above the means of any generation in the history of the United States: Good luck getting out of that hole suckers! For more info check out the documentary film Maxed Out.

8. To those ceartain liberals who somehow find one really obscure presidential candidate (Ron Paul) and decide that somehow turning a two-party election system into a three party delusion: Here's an idea - push for a three party system, maybe a purpotional representation, or at least something that allows for more than two candidates before trying to steal important Democratic voters away from Democratic candidates who need thier votes. 9. Seattle for having the worst summer to date as far as consistent sunny days go, as far as number of days in the 80's and 90's go, and as far as day's I am able to ride my bike down to Matthew's beach and take a dip. Seriously this summer has really been a let down; how about a hot August.

10. To everyone that can't stop talking about bicycles. Seriously we have been riding bikes since we were 5 years old; its not like they just invented the thing, bikes have been around since--well, forever. Oh yeah and I don't want to start any fights but anyone wants a little humbling about thier fervorous talk about thier bike and the lifestyle go watch the over the top--silly Kevin Bacon movie called Quicksilver: I think some poeple might be hurt to find that this kind of fixed gear fiasco has happened before and not that long ago.

Addendum to number 10: ALL MY FRIENDS and poeple I respect are into this so please don't be mad at me if you read this and it pisses you off it is only my intention to serve as a cultural obsever with over the top commentary. And, also sorry for putting you on the same list as condo-buying yuppies. The bicycle is the ultimate environmental message in an urban context and while I think trends overlook convention I think that this trend ultimately serves that purpose. Just don't make fun of my mountain bike, or make me feel like I am not part of your trend; the trend should be about bicycles--not vintage bicycles, not fixed gears, or some elitist--exclusionary movement.